Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
