i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
