I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I have fence marks all over my body
Randomize
