I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
