I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
