party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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