I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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