Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
