I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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