I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize