We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize