i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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