I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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