the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
