she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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