I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
