Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
God, I missed his penis.
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