If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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