I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
