everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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