oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
