last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
