so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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