Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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