speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
