I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
