Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize