cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
