my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
