we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
