nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
