I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
