He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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