so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
