what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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