I want to have your abortion
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
