Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
