My sheets look like a crime scene.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Houston, we have a blender
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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