My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
