Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
