My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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