I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
