I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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