U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
