I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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