listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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