the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
