My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
