If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Someone signed my nipple.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
