We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
