I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
