Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
