omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
